Monday, March 17, 2008

things they don't teach you in business school...

i didn't actually go to business school, but if i had i don't think they would have taught me about last night. (this is long but worth the read)

let me first say that yesterday was a great day. church was great and immediately after that we set out for chattanooga with some friends to see the aquarium. i should also say if you live in birmingham and think birmingham is a cool place to live... don't go to chattanooga. they've got it together. as we were discussing with our friends, we think the key to their (and many other city's) success is that they have a river (and actual mountains), so what we suggested is we tweak/scrap the whole dome idea (as great as it is) to include a lazy river around the city. we could turn it green for saint patrick's day (is that today?) or you simply take a ferry tour for the evening. yeah, yeah, i know some of you may be saying "but we have the cahaba river." i know, and i'm very thankful for the cahaba and the medication i have to give my dog every time he swims in it.... but it's just not the same. anyway, i digress.... on to my story.

i would like to think i'm an optimist but i must say that when things start going really well, i start looking for the other shoe to fall. and, maybe through a self fulfilling prophecy, it actually does.

so it's getting late. erin and i are having some ice cream and watching some story on national geographic about people getting killed by polar bears (don't ask).... basking in the memories of a great day.... mind you there are only about 2hours left in this day. around 10 o'clock my cell phone rings. i check the caller id and it's not anyone in my directory so i let it go to voicemail (there's your proof stokes-if you read this). eagerly i wait for my message indicator so i can figure out who this is. Q: i mean really who would be calling someone at 10pm on a sunday night. A: someone who thinks i'm having an affair with his wife. still there?

the message goes something like this.... "corey nolen, i just checked a message from you on my wife's voicemail that said "hey baby, just want to know if you still want to do this, i still have the files". just letting you know that you better get rid of this number because if i ever see it again i'm going to track you down and kick your ass."... more or less.

let me really emphasize the lack of words i have to describe my feelings at this point. i'm being made aware that i'm having an affair with someone's wife and soon going to die.

so i call the guy back thinking we can somehow figure this out and come up with an explanation but unfortunately this guy really did just want to kill me and wasn't entertaining any other options than what he initially thought. after being threatened a second time i decided to pray and call the police.

erin and my first thought was "who would call someone saying they are me". honestly that was the worst moment, thinking someone was playing a prank/signing a death warrant on me (which is not beyond some of my friends). my sharp, smart, detective like, wife began to think outside the box and we thought of every single person i've called in the last 3 months. we even went into our cell & office phone records to try and find this #. during this time the fine officer who (really did a great job) i filed the report with called my assailant to try to figure out what was going on. he actually listened to the message that was left and ACTUALLY AGREED that it sounded like "hey baby!" i explained to the officer that "baby" is not in my vocabulary. i've never in my life called anything baby unless it was a baby. my wife was there to verify. i also, explained that we run a business and have to call clients on occasion, so the explanation must be somewhere in that.

no matter, the pressure is now on us to figure this thing out. it felt like some movie where the innocent guys fingerprints are all over the crime scene. erin and i sat at the computer for what seemed like forever looking through phone records. we found an outgoing call to these people on thursday afternoon... FROM OUR HOME PHONE! okay so erin's thinking who's been in our house... and who's in our house right now.... i'm thinking, am i having an affair and forgot? after maxing my brain out, cross referencing phone records, going through every phone number we have written down or in our directory, my beautiful and smart wife (i'll call her baby now) figured it out.

i am beginning to do some freelance work for a company who's CEO is named "beatty". beatty gave me 2 numbers to contact him with 1. his actual office 2. his home office. the number beatty gave me for his home office was the number of the assailant. apparently i did leave a message with beatty that was asking him about "the files" he had given me in which i was about to "do this" presentation with. it was like we cracked the case... it was awesome.

so i called the officer back, explained everything to him. he talked to my assailant explained the mistake to him. my assailant apologized and i was finally able to go to sleep. the end.

because this is a photography blog i thought you might like to see what it looked like through the various stages of this nightmare... all before the end of an otherwise wonderful day. and btw, the other shoe did fall.

the following is a dramatization...




19 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi, corey.

ok....this is the craziest thing i've read in a long time...the only thing scarier is being falsely accused and arrested for attacking a woman with needles in a hospital hallway.

i'm really glad erin's such a super sleuth. y'all make a great team!

keely

Corey Nolen said...

WHAT? were you accused of that?

Corey Nolen said...

oh yeah... erin just reminded me of that story. that one is defintely worse than mine.

(for other readers, it wasn't keely but a guy we know from memphis)

Hershbine Family said...

I really got a kick out of this story. Especially as I was trying to imagine you saying.. "Hey, Baby" (in your wife beater and gold chain!) Also, if you were having an affair... what files would you have? what an interesting trist that would have been! Thanks for making me smile!

erin nolen said...

let me just tell you that the first thing keely said was that corey has too much time on his hands and that she almost believed this story at first.

as funny as it is now, i can promise you that it was NOT funny when it was happening to us. someday i will write what this story looked like from my perspective. it was something like this:

1. total fear that someone was about to come to our house to beat up corey
2. total confidence that there was a logical explanation
3. total fear that maybe my husband really was going crazy except that, like casey, i just couldn't ever think about corey saying, "hey baby, this is corey nolen" without laughing. i actually still can't.
4. total triumph when i solved the mystery

i have to say this is one of the weirdest/funniest/scariest/absoluteweirdest things that has ever happened to us. but i am so glad that corey blogged about it.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing out loud. Truth really IS stranger (and lots funnier) than fiction. Thanks for the story in photos too--very descriptive! :)
nancy

Anonymous said...

i haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time!

Anonymous said...

ok that was a great story. You were right about the Bill Cosby look alike in picture #3, but unfortunately picture # 4, 5 and 6 remind me of OJ. Too funny.
Love ya, Rhonda

Hershbine Family said...

I guess what I thought all along about our family is true... there are obviously traces of African American in our blood...

Anonymous said...

ok. it's true. at the end of the story where corey adds "the following is a dramatization..." i thought he meant that the whole thing had been. now, i know what the words "the following" mean. but somehow i've been reading a few too many blogs with fake dramatic stories lately, too many of which i've believed until the very end where there's some sort of disclaimer that says, "the above is totally untrue." so i have to admit i did think it was made up when i read that. but i repent of my stupidity in dust and ashes. :-)

and i'm glad corey is still alive.

i really hope that crazy guy gets some real help.

keely

Leigh said...

WOW. Did the person even apologize?
Funny dramatization photos.

Corey Nolen said...

yeah, he did apologize but i'm not sure if it was an apology because he was wrong or an apology because he was afraid of the policeman.

Hershbine Family said...

Hey Corey!
Is this a comment record for you? I have never had so many people respond to my "awesome" posts! I guess it just takes a death threat and a little writing/picture taking humor to get people reading and responding... maybe I will have something interesting enough that people will comment more on mine!

erin nolen said...

okay, i have to say that every time i open up this blog and find this same entry at the top, i am reminded of the episode of the office where michael goes to business school with ryan.

Anonymous said...

SECURITY CENTER: See Please Here

Anonymous said...

See Please Here

Hershbine Family said...

So I came back to comment on your beer, and ben stein blog... What happened??? I liked it, was going to read it again!

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camille (smith) platt said...

so i just found your blog on facebook... and i must agree, living in birmingham is awesome until you move to chattanooga. it's pretty perfect